I wonder...if I've ever cried that hard

I think my pent up feelings have caught up with me.
I don't think it's as easy as blaming PMS anymore.
I have so much hatred for myself right now that it's scary.

I don't want to hate myself. I want to love myself
like I have been for so long.

Love myself for me, you know? When I think the world shouldn't love me as much as I want, I should love myself just as much
because if I don't I will break down

like I am now

I'm a woman with emotions. I'm human. Yet I hate the fact that I'm using that very reason to justify what I'm feeling now. I feel so selfish towards myself.

Ten years ago, I wouldn't have known that was even possible.
Ten years ago, I thought I hated myself but I actually loved me
Ten years later
I thought I loved myself enough to cover up that I hate me.
Now I just hate and I'm begging so much forgiveness from everyone for just hating myself.

"Hey you know, you have an admirer~"
...
"Haha What kind of reaction is that?"

I never knew being joked about something like that brought my whole fantasy crashing. Maybe it was that little glimmer of hope that some crazy nut found me attractive enough only to realize that, 'hey, man. I was joking.'

Call me desperate, call me whiny but when you're never genuinely complimented by a total stranger - let alone an acquaintance you're quite fond of - don't you just yearn for it a bit?
It's sad to admit, but I think I live off praises and compliments and, truthfully, I will admit to being selfishly hoping guys would do it.
But when they're doing it so that they can use you or doing it for a bet; hey, that stings a lot.

I think it feels like 2 or 3 years have passed since thoughts of 'you're ugly, why would anyone want to be with you?', 'you're so fucking lame I don't know why you still even have friends', 'you're an idiot for thinking some guy will like you for who you are' and 'Why do you even try so hard? No one will ever notice you' have filled my thoughts.

I think I owe a bit of it from being surrounded by amazing people. Dazzling, mesmerizing people with looks and personality that I can never accomplish. My family, my friends. I'm always envious of them and I try so hard to make it up with my hardwork, determination and usefulness. Seems like it's just not enough

Now,

Now...I feel that all the self-confidence, self-esteem I've collected from when I joined the college - at that time bracing myself for that new chapter in life - is gone.

In the end...
I can no longer deny

Loneliness does things to me.
Selfishness does things to me
because my family loves me, because my friends cherish me, because I have so many things to be so thankful of in life

because I'm a girl who wants affection she doesn't deserve



and most of all...to know that I can't pour my heart out to someone close because I'll feel selfish just makes it more lonesome. It makes me more worthless and I hate that I'll feel like I'm burdening them with problems that they'd think of as something so little but yet is so big to me.

I hope, within this week, I will gather more confidence to love myself again

So, tell me, I beg you;

What positive feeling can a person with low self esteem feel when their self esteem has been crushed?