That Butterfly Feeling~

I'm so FUCKING HAPPY right now that I bet I'll explode if I get any more happier

Seriously, every Friday it feels like I transform into some kind of hormonal monster teenager. It's crazy!

I don't know which bitch claimed that it's hard to concentrate around someone you like, I find it's the opposite with me. The more I like the lecturer, the easier it is for me to accept what he/she says AND I'M TOTALLY SMITTEN OVER MY 2D LECTURER! But....ah...I'll have to do my best in the midterm. I'm weak against theories and definitions.

Okay, okay, enough about my fangirling.
Today, our 2D thumbnail storyboard was due. The storyline got somewhat rejected the week before so I was really adamant about doing it right the second time. (To my delight, everyone else was rejected too)

We worked really hard, as a team more now. I did the thumbnail and passed it to the 'perfect couple' for them to integrate it as a rough pass. They did quite a good job rendering my incomprehensible sketches - at least it exceeded my expectations and, seriously, I was thrilled to see our teamwork.

Zi-kun was supposed to handle our screenplay rough draft but she faced major technical difficulties that also affected her other assignments. I actually didn't mind if I had to take on her workload for the team but she really wanted to do it. In the end, it was a bit too much for her but she ended up making us an interesting cover page for our group. So, I did the screenplay. I seriously don't mind though! It's been nearly a year since I had a hand in writing a script.

Late into the night on Thursday, I was wrapping up everything that needed to get done. Early this morning, Nad-san, Ak-kun, Rieya-chan and I went to college early - for we thought we had our Digital Photography Class. It was canceled, regrettably, so we holed ourselves in the library and I did finishing touches (dialogues, camera movements, facial expression) on the rough pass.

I was supposed to present about Camera Shots this week so all throughout the morning, my stomach cramped in nervousness. It totally killed my appetite and made me feel queasy. It didn't help that my "lovely" group of friends were talking about insects in food incidents.

By the time we made it to class, I was a nervous-wreck. We had a short banter session about the recent earthquake and nuclear-poisoning that's happening in Japan but I, sadly, didn't know much about it and therefore couldn't join in as much. Rieya-chan left for home after that and that was when my nervousness escalated to many levels. My hand never stopped shaking and I bet I was really pale.

I felt sick with worry. I hoped to God my lecturer wouldn't remember about our presentation and would resume to teaching. I was also worried our storyline and rough pass would get rejected for being too simple or too long or just not enough. When other classmates began to file in, with all their versions of rough pass storyboard and storyline, I was near hyper-ventilating.

I'm pretty sure I annoyed the heck out of Nad-san and Zi-kun but all through the class I'm really thankful they put up with me.

Sensei came in after that. Oh gosh~! I think I was between paling (from fear of our assignment being rejected) and blushing (because ohmysenseiissocute!) As usual, my fear won over my lovesickness (if you can call it that) and when sensei was evaluating all the storyboards, and commenting on how to improve them (in my book, it means getting rejected) I was out of my mind with fear. One by one, he returned the storyboards to their groups with comments (It's too short, add camera shots, show the animation flow with arrows - practically everything my group has done) and, finally, he reached ours.

Oh God. Oh God. Oh God.

You can totally imagine how I felt at that time. It felt more like he was deciding punishments for my baby rather than an assignment. I swear, my stomach churned so fucking painfully and my chest tightened unimaginably, I could hardly breathe right for that matter. My hand immediately gripped Zi-kun's thigh and squeezed - cuz I was scared like that.

And you know what he said?

It was perfect.

And we fucking brightened up so much, it was heart-wrenching. I swear, it felt like I got high on happiness if that was even possible. I wanted to giggle insanely and do a weird dance. I wanted to hug my teammates too but I have social restrictions so I didn't.

Sensei ended up passing our storyboard to others so that they can learn from it. I truly didn't mind. If my hard work - because I worked my backbone off for that - could help others, I'm more than willing to share. Nad-san and Zi-kun didn't have the same idea though. They were fearful of our rough pass being manhandled but I can understand how they feel, especially Nad-san who worked hard to draw the rough pass (She told me it took her 3 days)

Really. I'm so very thankful to my teammates for being of so many help this time around. I know I grumble a lot and they have to put up with my bossiness as well as my selfish pride but it worked out somehow. In all actuality, I love teamwork just as I love my alone time. I hope this will continue until the end of the semester.

I can't wait to get to our next team work.

Oh, and I really adore my lecturer. He's so cute and his smile is really nice~ I can't wait for the next 2D class~
He spoke a bit of Malay today and I thought it was really so goddamn cute

Salty Winds

We went to the beach today to get our Digital Photography assignment started.

Feels like we went quite unprepared. I kind of want to go again. Now that I know what I should and should not bring/do.
There were a lot of mistakes that I did, now that I've viewed my picture in the laptop. I'm nervous and self-conscious about them now and I really wonder if I should show them to my lecturer tomorrow.

And it's pretty late for me to break down and whine about how I don't have enough vision for photography. I will just have to make do and work hard with concentrating on the basic logic behind it.

I wonder...if I've ever cried that hard

I think my pent up feelings have caught up with me.
I don't think it's as easy as blaming PMS anymore.
I have so much hatred for myself right now that it's scary.

I don't want to hate myself. I want to love myself
like I have been for so long.

Love myself for me, you know? When I think the world shouldn't love me as much as I want, I should love myself just as much
because if I don't I will break down

like I am now

I'm a woman with emotions. I'm human. Yet I hate the fact that I'm using that very reason to justify what I'm feeling now. I feel so selfish towards myself.

Ten years ago, I wouldn't have known that was even possible.
Ten years ago, I thought I hated myself but I actually loved me
Ten years later
I thought I loved myself enough to cover up that I hate me.
Now I just hate and I'm begging so much forgiveness from everyone for just hating myself.

"Hey you know, you have an admirer~"
...
"Haha What kind of reaction is that?"

I never knew being joked about something like that brought my whole fantasy crashing. Maybe it was that little glimmer of hope that some crazy nut found me attractive enough only to realize that, 'hey, man. I was joking.'

Call me desperate, call me whiny but when you're never genuinely complimented by a total stranger - let alone an acquaintance you're quite fond of - don't you just yearn for it a bit?
It's sad to admit, but I think I live off praises and compliments and, truthfully, I will admit to being selfishly hoping guys would do it.
But when they're doing it so that they can use you or doing it for a bet; hey, that stings a lot.

I think it feels like 2 or 3 years have passed since thoughts of 'you're ugly, why would anyone want to be with you?', 'you're so fucking lame I don't know why you still even have friends', 'you're an idiot for thinking some guy will like you for who you are' and 'Why do you even try so hard? No one will ever notice you' have filled my thoughts.

I think I owe a bit of it from being surrounded by amazing people. Dazzling, mesmerizing people with looks and personality that I can never accomplish. My family, my friends. I'm always envious of them and I try so hard to make it up with my hardwork, determination and usefulness. Seems like it's just not enough

Now,

Now...I feel that all the self-confidence, self-esteem I've collected from when I joined the college - at that time bracing myself for that new chapter in life - is gone.

In the end...
I can no longer deny

Loneliness does things to me.
Selfishness does things to me
because my family loves me, because my friends cherish me, because I have so many things to be so thankful of in life

because I'm a girl who wants affection she doesn't deserve



and most of all...to know that I can't pour my heart out to someone close because I'll feel selfish just makes it more lonesome. It makes me more worthless and I hate that I'll feel like I'm burdening them with problems that they'd think of as something so little but yet is so big to me.

I hope, within this week, I will gather more confidence to love myself again

So, tell me, I beg you;

What positive feeling can a person with low self esteem feel when their self esteem has been crushed?

Random 23rd

Regarding the previous post, ^this is what I did.
It piqued only very few interests and I was really sad to note only 1 out of my five friends(or classmates if you may have it) knew about what is happening in the Middle-East. It's a bit sad but we mustn't give up.
I hope everyone will keep sending their prayers to the Libyans who are fighting for their rights.

I had this on for nearly half the day. I think it gave me a bit of idea but we'll see how things go.

Yes, that's me. ^^;
I tried a kind of self-portrait when I had a bit of privacy.
This really made me want to cry
...in sadness
because Photoshop is really amazing.

As a reminder, please don't forget to check my 2D-Animation group's blog at
1000 Words
I've just finished another scene.

Tomorrow I will rehearse for my presentation this Friday. I'm so nervous but I really want to do my best. This is important since it is for my future and I have a student crush on my lect.
Wish me luck~!

We Are Libya

I saw this on Tumblr while I was going through posts on Libya:

(via thelibyanrevolution)
This is an wonderful idea that aimbrosephstalin just had!

On Wednesday, Feb.23, everyone who supports Libya should show it by wearing the pre-Gadaffi Libyan flag somewhere on their person! You can wrap the flag around your hand or paint it somewhere on your body, o...r draw it on a shirt, it doesn’t matter, just have it on you! You can even carry around a pamphlet giving information about this as well so people become more aware of the situation in Libya! The whole point of this, is that when people ask…”What’s that?” You start to explain how it’s the Libyan flag and the reason you have it on is because of the genocide that is occurring in Libya right now! This results in more people knowing and more people supporting the cause until the government finally falls under the pressure of its people’s words and takes a step of action!
Stop the violence. Stop the blood from spilling. Support the Libyan People!

Thank you so much iambrosephstalin, this is an amazing idea! You’re amazing!

Also, the lovely woman made a facebook group about this day:
JOIN IT AND SPREAD IT TO YOUR FRIENDS. We need everyone to know about these massacres! I’m joining right now!

And...well I cried a lot when I read the things that are happening there. I feel a lot useless now for I can only offer prayers and spread awareness.

And about spreading awareness:

(via mindheist)

Spreading Awareness | What does it mean? Why do we do it?

Spreading awareness throughout each country in the world — throughout every city, every household — can help save lives. I know there are some people out there who don’t believe that one can help make a change. That’s a bunch of bullshit. One reblog, one text post, one tweet, or one status or whatever else — they can, indeed, make a difference. One can lead to tens, which can then lead hundreds, which can then lead to thousands, to hundreds of thousands, and so on. Awareness can potentially save endangered life, whether it leads to donations or whatever else.

However, that gives you no reason whatsoever to call people “disgusting” or “inhumane” for not reblogging a post that helps spread awareness. I have seen countless posts saying “if you don’t reblog this, you’re disgusting.” Just because they don’t reblog a post, that does not make them any less of a good person. How do you know that the people who aren’t reblogging the post are trying to spread awareness in their personal lives, instead of online? You don’t. You’re trying to force people to reblog things, because they think that people will possibly hate them for not reblogging that certain post. Though that may sound okay because they do end up reblogging that post, it’s not. If someone didn’t want to reblog that post, because they’ve probably reblogged another post much like it before, so what? That doesn’t make them awful. Yes, the more awareness the better, but still. That’s no excuse to call people names. It’s fine to encourage people to reblog the post, but it’s not fine to say “if you don’t reblog this, you’re a jerk” or anything along those terms.

Spreading awareness also doesn’t mean that every single person on tumblr has to reblog every single post about every single current event happening somewhere out there in the world. If you do so, good for you. If you don’t, good for you, too. By just coming to terms with it yourself, you are spreading awareness. You’re spreading awareness by becoming aware of the things happening out there in the world. People who are saying “stop” or “shut up” to people who are reblogging posts about Libya or New Zealand or any other location or country, are actually spreading awareness because they have knowledge of everything themselves, so really, they can just shut up, because they’re telling people who are spreading awareness to shut up, which would include them.

I took this from tumblr. They have a 'reblog' option quite like blogger's 'share' and twitter's 'retweet'

Of Roses and Flashes

Of

Roses

and flash
es

As Expected...I got Busy

^This got rejected in class yesterday

I don't know how to say it anymore. My predictions last year became true. I'm super busy now.
This semester, I'm taking Creative Web Design, Essentials Business Communication Skill (English 5), Introduction to Database SQL, Digital Photography and 2D Animation. Out of all that 5, I want to excel in FOUR(4) of them.

The feeling is so different from last sem! Because we focused a lot more on business and arts, my eagerness to shine kind of went downhill. There wasn't really a subject I truly liked and knew I would enjoy.

But...

BUT...

This sem turned out as if it was making up for all of that by giving me a whole bunch of subjects that I like and was looking forward to learning (well, except for English)

Creative Web Design is a subject I'm looking forward to teaching me about html, xml and css. Also, my scriptwriting lecturer is teaching that and I don't know why but I'm thrilled at the prospects of learning under her again.
Introduction to Database SQL will allow me to understand the workings of Microsoft Access, which was a topic I had to skip in high school due to time limitations and damnit if I'm not interested in that. I've been dying to learn that since I was 17!
Don't even get me started on Digital Photography. That's like my second hobby after drawing! I'm really am hoping I get to develop my creative and artistic side (which, btw, I'm really lacking).
Lastly, 2D animation. It's ANIMATION, you guys! That in itself is exciting already.

And I have a platonic student crush on my lecturer (He's from Iran btw >w<). More reason to attend his class and give it my all! Before you go around pining me or joking about me having a crush on some guy, the feeling is totally the same as what I feel for Ms.Xuan.
It's like a deep respect+fangirling because they're so cute and seem so nice but I know are strict and make me want to do even better in my works.
Ah....I miss Ms.Xuan.
What is it with me and foreign lecturers? >.>;

Anyway, my 2D Sir told us to make a blog for our team. So here's mine:

1000words

It was originally supposed to be about yuumei's flash comic, '1000 words' but...as mentioned above...it got rejected. I made a new storyline though! Under the same title and it involves a lot of nekotalias~! Be sure to check that blog out for cute animated kitties >w<; Anyway, I wrote this to express how truly busy I've been lately. Last week, I was out EVERYDAY of the week. It was tiring, seriously. I couldn't even sit down to draw anything decent and I still haven't. This week even! I was free on Thursday and could finally get to doing some chores at home but ended up spending most of the time studying about the history of animation for our 2D individual assignment.

Good news~! Sir had told us that he would choose 3 people who did the best on the assignment to present about it next week. I was one of them! It is truly an honour and I really felt all my hard work had paid off. I thought I wouldn't get it because of the wall of text I put and that all my images were in the appendix. What a delighted (and nerve-wrecking) shock it was to hear my name among those chosen. Thank you so much, Sir Ahmad! I will definitely do my best for the presentation next week~!

I guess the excitement from getting my hard work paid off is still running through my veins.

Our Digital Photography class has also made improvements. The first assignment has been given out. It's about shutter speed (+aperture). Although it's due in three weeks, our lovely lecturer, Ms. Lis, told us she wants to see some of our shutter speed photos by next week.

So, Rieya-chan and I will be going out tomorrow to take pictures in the busy streets of Bukit Bintang. I'm thinking there will be a lot of action there that we can snap. I'm also hoping to do some light painting if we can because we'll be out till night.

I don't think I can get down to drawing anything decent until the end of the month. It's depressing but the feeling is mostly over-ridden by the excitement of learning MultiMedia again!

Remember what I said about wanting to take more pictures in my last entry? Yeah, Rieya-chan and I are planning on going to Genting Highlands to do a photoshoot we've always dreamed of doing. It's like one of our fantasies that can come true if we work hard enough. We haven't set an actual date yet and we're not financially well at the moment...but it's definitely on our minds.

Other than that, recently I can't stop listening to Kuromyu2 (Kuroshitsuji Musical 2) It's really captivating. Even Alan and Eric's song is enjoyable to listen to. Ah well...I'll find something new to listen to soon probably.
.
.
.
.
But I'm seriously tired to the core now.

Let's go Take Pictures

Classes have started. Assignments have been given but all I'm really excited about doing is taking pictures. Why is no else as enthusiastic as me?!

;A;